Bovie Movie

Based on a character created by Robert E. Howard, this fast-paced, occasionally humorous sequel to Conan the Barbarian features the hero (Arnold Schwarzenegger) as he is commissioned by the evil queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to safely escort a teen princess (Olivia D’Abo) and her powerful bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain) to a far away castle to retrieve the magic Horn of Dagon. Unknown to Conan, the queen plans to sacrifice the princess when she returns and inherit her kingdom after the bodyguard kills Conan. The queen’s plans fail to take into consideration Conan’s strength and cunning and the abilities of his sidekicks: the eccentric wizard Akiro (Mako), the wild woman Zula (Grace Jones), and the inept Malak (Tracey Walter). Together the hero and his allies must defeat both mortal and supernatural foes in this voyage to sword-and-sorcery land.

Opening with a silent “movie” of Butch Cassidy’s Hole in the Wall Gang, George Roy Hill’s comically elegiac Western chronicles the mostly true tale of the outlaws’ last months. Witty pals Butch (Paul Newman) and Sundance (Robert Redford) join the Gang in successfully robbing yet another train with their trademark non-lethal style. After the pair rests at the home of Sundance’s schoolmarm girlfriend, Etta (Katharine Ross), the Gang robs the same train, but this time, the railroad boss has hired the best trackers in the business to foil the crime. After being tailed over rocks and a river gorge by guys that they can barely identify save for a white hat, Butch and Sundance decide that maybe it’s time to try their luck in Bolivia. Taking Etta with them, they live high on ill-gotten Bolivian gains, but Etta leaves after their white-hatted nemesis portentously arrives. Their luck running out, Butch and Sundance are soon holed up in a barn surrounded by scores of Bolivian soldiers who are waiting for the pair to make one last run for it.

The can’t-miss teaming of Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn is squandered on a clumsy, illogical romantic melodrama. Running across her old boyfriend Gibson at a Wisconsin gas station, Hawn is astounded that he seems not to recognize her. How could she have known that Gibson was put into the Witness Relocation Program after testifying against a homicidal mob boss (say, don’t they usually alter your appearance when they put you in that program?) Curious over Gibson’s furtive behavior, Hawn unknowingly sets herself up as a target for the bad guys. The whole affairs culminates in an after-hours showdown at a zoo (a plot device vastly improved upon in the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Eraser). While Bird on a Wire admittedly has its moments of enjoyment, most of the film is on a par with Gibson’s embarrassing, homophobic scene with a pair of epicine hairdressers. And whoever heard of the Chinatown section of Racine, Wisconsin?

Even though Charles Bronson doesn’t carry a gun in this feature, there are still plenty of the fights, car chases, and explosions — all hallmarks of Bronson’s action films. Bronson plays Denver Tribune crime reporter Garrett Smith, who investigates the murder mystery of a Mormon family. Smith tries to mediate between rival factions who have broken off from the Salt Lake theology and are carrying on a bloody feud.